I just spent ten minutes putting together a spreadsheet to prove (to myself? to you?) that I don’t have enough time.
Then I deleted it. Because guess what? I don’t have enough time. Neither do you. Neither does everyone I know who gets their workouts in, or makes healthy food a priority. None of us have enough time. We MAKE the time.
If I want this to happen, I have to MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
I know. Rocket science, right?
But here’s the thing. I’m on the precipice. I’m steps away from letting go, eating crap all the time, gaining back all the weight, and constantly feeling exhausted and awful. I’m barely treading water.
But then a comment from a lovely friend on the last post reminded me… I AM STILL TREADING WATER. Even if it’s barely. Even if I’m hardly holding on… I AM STILL HOLDING ON. And so, I’m not beaten. I’m still trying. Every day may be a restart lately, but at least I’m bothering to restart.
The job is very busy, and still new. I’m anxious to make a good impression. That being said, I’m allowed a lunch and so it’s my responsibility to myself to take it. Let me not set up the expectation so early on that every moment of my time is theirs for the taking. I will be focused, dedicated, and hard at work for every OTHER second of the day, but for one hour of the thirteen I spend away from home every day now, I will make my health (and sanity) a priority. It’s going to take some shuffle to figure out how to make that happen, but it WILL happen. I owe it to myself.
I thought about the family reunion we’ll likely be attending this summer, and how much I’d like to be healthy and comfortable in my own skin when we get there. And then something ever bigger happened. Evi asked to go to DisneyWorld for her 4th birthday.
Now, it’s not going to happen FOR her birthday, since we wouldn’t have any prayer of saving up the money for airfare and the park by then, but we all agree that she’s ready to go sooner rather than later. And I need to be up for it. I need to have the energy to GO!GO!GO! with her at her first Disney visit. I need to be able to walk with her, run with her, carry her all over that place. I need to have the strength and energy to keep up with every second she’s willing to spend in such an awesome place.
And so, I’m doing this. I’m taking control again. I’m ignoring the Pizza Hut binge I literally just finished. I’m going to do this right again. I owe it to me, to you, to HER. You can’t let down a princess. (Especially not one who’s recently developed an obsession with TinkerBox and, as such, will shortly take over the planet.
